J. Soltys's Weblog


I write about gender issues from the male perspective. Most notably, I challenge the negative stereotypes of men, fathers, and masculinity.

I became involved in this work after going through a dark time in my life. I was raised in an environment which was heavily influenced by alcoholism. The chaos and abuses I experienced caused personal turmoil throughout my life. It finally reached a pinnacle in my early thirties at which point I sought help.

One of the steps I took to address my issues was to become involved in a men’s only group. In this environment, a group of men address many different events that have affected their lives, from the obscure to the most serious. Through this process, a man could not only rebuild his own life, but in the process, help other men rebuild their lives also.
As a part of this process, I learned a lot about myself, about the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors of other men, and about the dynamics of masculinity – its truths and its myths.

Thus began a personal mission which led me to research issues facing men, and society’s perceptions of masculinity. This led to studies on gender. Unfortunately, what I found did not corroborate my personal experiences.

I found most gender studies were conducted by feminist researchers, or researchers that are sympathetic, or sensitive to women’s issues. Therefore, I began to question the legitimacy of these same people writing intimately and conclusively about men and masculine behavior. It seemed absurd that groups of mostly women were writing with confidence about male emotions, thoughts, and behaviors, and confident they were more right than wrong . Reverse the genders, and these same actions would be considered sexists.
But most disturbing was how traditional genders studies focused exclusively on the faults and vices of men, and proliferated an ideology that masculinity is inferior to femininity. As somebody who once supported feminism, I began to become skeptical of its agenda. I have always believed in equality between men and women, and still do. But I began to question the women’s movement and their sincerity towards equality for the sexes.

So I began comparing my own experiences with men to what I was reading in gender research studies. I found almost all negative male behaviors and issues were blamed on the patriarchy within gender research, and assiduously corroborated with men’s need for power and control. My own experiences taught me that this was a shallow look at the issues facing men and masculinity. What is exactly is power and control? How does it manifest itself in men? What are the top five events or influences in a man’s life that cause it? At what age does it begin to surface?  And if it is inherited from our “masculine” society, then why do so many young boys grow up harboring these patriarchal “power and control” issues when in their most impressionable and influential years – childhood, daycare, school years, working mothers, etc, –  they are dominated by powerful female influences? Not to mention as to why power and control behavior is viewed as a masculine trait when I see so many women with power and control issues themselves? How do the feminist explain the same wide spread behavior in females?

What is most disturbing is that the solution for many male faults such as these offered by feminist is to reconstruct masculinity to look more like femininity. The more I read, the more it appeared that from a feminist perspective, masculinity was deeply flawed, and the only way to save/salvage it was to infuse it with heavy doses of femininity. If men became in touch with their feminine side, they would evolve into better men, better human beings, and in return, all societal ills would be mitigated.
So according to feminist, if we look like them, think like them, and act like them, the world would be a better place. The idea that one group of people telling another that acting more like them would “cure” their discrepancies is an ideology that is not unique to feminism. This same belief has been present in racism for years. For years white people indulged in the belief that if African-Americans dropped their inherent identity and learned to become more “white”, they would suffer less discrimination.  And in the long term, their new “white” qualities would definitely make them better people, and therefore, more acceptable to society – and of course the world would be a safer place.

I refuse to accept this form of discrimination.

I have found through my experiences that masculinity actually comprises many of the components associated with femininity such as compassion, empathy, caring, nurturing, selflessness, etc. Contrary to feminist ideology, masculinity is multifaceted, not overly simplistic.  But what I really discovered is that since masculinity harbors these same traits, it is discriminatory and ignorant to call them feminine – they are human traits. Men carry the same emotional components as women; we just go about addressing and managing them differently. It’s the recognition that selfishness, irresponsibility, dominating behavior, controlling behavior, blaming, and risk taking are not masculine traits; they are human ones.  Women are just as guilty of these behaviors as men.

After ten years of quietly reading, listening, and observing men and women in society, I decided to start writing about my experiences, my observations, and my opinions.
Over the years I’ve uncovered many distortions and myths about men, women, and the genders, and how these distortions and myths have created a negative image of men within society.
Through my writings I hope to point out these indiscretions, and offer another point of view, one that not only restores our faith in men and masculinity, but shows how the negative behaviors of men, and men’s issues in general, are dealt with differently in society; usually being ignored, disparaged, or discriminated against, particularly when compared to how women’s issues are addressed.
Women receive understanding and compassion; men receive blame and shame.
Men need to receive more than this. At this moment the male population is under the burden of having the highest suicide rates, increasing rates of incarceration, struggling academically, experiencing substantial drop out rates, more likely to be over diagnosed as children and under diagnosed as adults with respect to behavioral issues, experiencing rates of violence that are four to one over females, more likely than women to be imprisoned on false criminal charges, and guaranteed to be burdened with more severe criminal sentencing than women for similar crimes – just to name a few.

I feel it’s time for a change. I hope to be one voice of many in this process.


Joe Soltys



  1. 🙂

    Comment by bibomedia — March 4, 2008 @ 10:38 am | Reply

  2. I’ve read a lot of your blog here and I’m grateful that more men are putting their foot down and not tolerating the double standards women seem to have put up for years.

    My mom was a typical feminist. Her put-downs of my dad still go on today. I don’t allow her to talk badly of my dad in front of me anymore. She was shocked when I told her I wouldn’t lie to my husband about my sisters belt buckle scraping the side of his truck. I was shocked my Mother was encouraging me outright to lie.

    For unrelated reasons (stemming from her childhood abuse) my mother taught me to see past behaviors and look at a person for who they were. Your post regarding why men are abusive, how people react to childhood abuse, the coping skills they come away with, was very insightful. I wish more people could see that there are always two sides to a story. It is sad that they courts are so bogged down that the judges have to make split second decisions that affect families forever. How can you get an accurate representation of a family situation in a few minutes, or even hours? How can you sort through the lies, the facades, the accusations to the information you need? Everytime I went to court, for myself or for my husband, I found myself praying for the judge. Lord, let the Truth be seen. In my case, they didn’t allow my son’s father to claim he had no income after graduating from Harvard and then from law school. In my husbands case, we got primary custody of his daughter.

    If you ever have some extra time, please read my blog. I want to do what is right for my son and I have seen for years that the world is more and more rigged against him. I would love to hear any advice you might have. Looking at your blog, I think I could count on you to be bluntly honest and aware of the bigger picture.

    Comment by lizabetta — April 8, 2008 @ 11:37 pm | Reply

  3. Dear J. Solty,

    I see that you have an interest in men’s issues so I was hoping that you wouldn’t mind passing along this notice about a study being conducted that’s of interest to men. Thanks! Jan

    Participants Needed for Men’s Experiences with Female Partner Aggression Study

    The Men’s Experiences with Partner Aggression Project is a
    research study at Clark University and is funded by the National
    Institute’s of Health. Denise A. Hines, Ph.D., Clark University
    Department of Psychology, is the lead researcher on this project. She
    is conducting this project in conjunction with Emily M. Douglas, Ph.D.,
    Bridgewater State College Department of Social Work and the Domestic
    Abuse Helpline for Men and Women (DAHMW).
    Our goal is to better understand the experiences of men who are in
    relationships with women who use violence. Extensive research has
    shown that men are at risk for sustaining partner violence in their
    relationships, yet few studies have investigated their experiences,
    and there are few resources available to such men. This is an
    under-recognized problem in the United States, and by conducting
    this research project, we hope to provide much needed information on
    these men, their relationships, and their needs.
    If you are a man between the ages of 18 and 59 and you have been
    physically assaulted at least one time in the last 12 months by a
    current or former intimate female partner you are eligible to
    participate in this study.
    If you are interested in participating, please go to:
    http://www.clarku.edu/faculty/dhines where the survey is located. It will
    take approximately 30 minutes to complete the survey.
    If you have any questions please call the DAHMW at 1- 888-743-5754
    or email dahmwagency@gmail.com.
    Your call and/or email will be kept strictly confidential.
    To visit DAHMW’s website go to: http://www.dahmw.org

    Comment by Jan Brown — July 31, 2008 @ 4:10 pm | Reply

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: